Surfacing
by Jacinda
Summary: Sara leaves Vegas -- only to come back several years later. An introspective look at how Grissom feels about her. (NS) -- FIN
1. Default Chapter

"I'm leaving. I'm not kidding this time. I'm not waiting for you to acknowledge my letter of resignation," Sara said as she walked into my office. She's been on vacation for two weeks, but there is no way to tell that. She still looks haggard. She looks a little on the gaunt side. I'm assuming that this means that her drinking has escalated. The DUI was probably only the tip of the iceberg.

"Sara, we've been through this before," I grumble. I'm not interested in this struggle. She is obviously disinterested in this too.

"I've given you four years. What the hell have I gotten out of it?" Sara yelled. Her face reddened. The anger flashed in her eyes. She was much less composed than normal. Even on her worst days, she wasn't nearly as emotional. Sara always managed to hold it together, but I have let her go astray. I wasn't the supportive mentor that I used to be. Something inside of me hardened. It was a part of me that was scared to let Sara in. It was afraid to be hurt when she realized that she could do so much better.

"Sara, this isn't appropriate," I comment. I was hoping that she would shut the door and come talk to me, but I seemed to have set her off more. She began to breathe faster. Her gaze narrowed on me as she walked toward my desk.

"I'm sick of being treated like shit. I'm sick of being passed over for cases . . . for promotions. I'm sick of being second to someone else. I'm sick of you being so damn closed off and afraid. I'm sick of having to take two week vacations because of something that never has interfered with my work," Sara yelled.

"Sara, have you eaten today?" I asked. The statement was made only to be misinterpreted.

"I'm not drunk, Grissom. Take your damn job and shove it," Sara yelled as she walked away. I only wanted to go to neutral ground to talk to her. A lot of what she said was right. I was a coward. I punished Sara for the feelings I had for her. I neglected her. I passed her over for cases and promotions. It would have been silly to argue the opposite.

I sat at my desk amidst the eye of her hurricane.

* * *

He didn't even blink. He didn't offer to talk to me. He didn't reassure me that I was a valuable member of his team. I didn't need this.

Today was the first day that I regretted coming to Las Vegas. I had let myself become so vulnerable here. I let victims touch me. I gave away a little of my heart to Grissom; only to have it rejected. I was punished severely for that. Grissom looked at me different. It was a look that I couldn't even describe. He looked upon me with pity and maybe disgust. I didn't need this. San Francisco was there to open its arms wide and welcome me back home.

Yesterday I packed up my apartment. I told my landlord some lame story about needing to move home to take care of my dying mother. He said that he would let me out of his lease. My landlord wished me luck. He said that I was a great tenant. He said to take care.

"Get out of my way," I grumbled as I walked into someone . . . I pushed them away. The tears in my eyes were blurring my vision. I was thankful that they weren't falling down my cheeks. I wanted out. I wanted whoever was in my way to let me pass.

"Sara, are you okay?" Nick asked as he ran to catch up to me.

"Leave me alone," I yelled bitterly. I wanted so badly to hate him. He made it so hard for me to do so. He had these puppy dog eyes . . . ones that I couldn't get mad at. Nick had apologized for being promoted . . . he said it should have been me. He even took me out for a drink. He let me wallow in my own misery.

"Sara, I heard you fighting with Grissom. You know . . . you're right," Nick said. I could hear his footfalls still in pursuit of me no matter how much faster I tried to walk.

"Nick, please don't do this. I want to leave mad at Grissom . . . that way I will never regret leaving," I said as I finally made it outside to the parking lot. The night air was markedly cooler than the day time. Fall in Vegas wasn't all that different from the other seasons, but tonight felt damn cold. It was me . . . it wasn't the weather.

"Leave pissed at him. I just want you to know . . . that we were lucky to have you. You can do so much better than this crime lab," Nick replied as he helped me put a small box containing my personal effects into the trunk of my Suburban.

"Nick, you can do better too," I replied. It finally felt safe to let the tears run down my cheeks. It was okay to be vulnerable around Nick . . . he didn't hurt people the way Grissom did.

"I'm going to miss you," Nick said as he opened the driver side door for me.

"Yeh, I'll miss you too," I replied as I hugged him.

"If you're ever in Vegas . . . ," Nick whispered.

"If you're ever in San Francisco," I replied, "Tell Greg, Cat, and Warrick that I needed to go."

"Drive safe," Nick replied as he waved. He watched me pull out of the parking lot. I began my journey back to where I started. It was where I should have never left.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Griss. I wanted to give you this personally," Nick said as he walked into my office. His head was hung low. I already knew what was in the envelope. It was the same thing that I had been given by Greg only a few months earlier.

Four months after leaving, Sara called Greg. She needed his help in San Francisco. Sara had been chasing a serial rapist for three months. Sara said she needed his eyes in her lab. Yes, her lab. It didn't come as a shock to me. Sara was tenacious. She went after criminals with a passion that I felt fading inside myself. Sara was readily promoted to night shift coordinator. Within a few months, Sara had already been promoted to where I stood spinning my wheels.

Greg came back from San Francisco different. He couldn't stop talking about how different it was there. He would reminisce about when 'we all got along.' Greg gave me his letter of resignation two weeks later. He said that he was going to San Francisco. I warned him about chasing a girl. Greg said it wasn't about that. It was about the 'vibe' of Sara's crew. Greg said that he felt alive when he was there . . . the determination there brought out the best in everyone. Greg said they worked as a team. Each person was just as important as the next. The only thing that distinguished Sara from the rest of the team was that she did more paperwork . . . she said she wasn't any better than her CSI level two team members. I heard this about her lab. It was the third best in the country . . . it was a threat to me.

Nick saw Sara and Greg six months after that. They all wound up giving presentations at a convention in Vegas. I was in the background watching Nicky. I was proud of him. It was his first solo presentation on a case that he had taken on by himself. I went to Sara's talk. I hid in the background. I wanted to observe her. She looked so different. She looked happy. Sara and Greg gave the presentation . . . they credited their entire team for all the hard work put into the serial rapist case. Everyone's name was cited on the PowerPoint. I never did that for my team. I suddenly felt inadequate as a leader. I felt selfish. I wondered if I had stunted the growth of the lab I had created.

Two weeks later, Nick was in San Francisco helping Greg and Sara investigate why a passenger plane fell from the sky without warning. I let him go. There was no way I could say no. Nick was excited. There was this glimmer of happiness in his eyes. He came back the same way Greg did. Nick couldn't stop talking about how great Sara's lab was. Nick couldn't stop talking about how everyone got to work in the field and how everyone also had a strong commitment to their work in the lab. Everything was divided equally.

Nick struggled through his return to my lab. He complained to Warrick about how I always did the press conferences. In San Francisco, he did two press conferences, Sara did two press conferences, and Greg did three press conferences. Catherine said that I ran a tight ship. She said she was satisfied in her job. I assume this is only because Catherine and Sara never got along. Loyal Catherine. I needed her now more than ever.

"Nicky, what can I do to get you to stay?" I asked as I held the sealed envelop in my hands . . . I played with the corners. He didn't make eye contact with me. Nicky stared at my forehead. He smiled.

"Sorry. I think it's time that I moved on," Nicky said. I knew it hurt him to say that. It hurt me to hear that. I had stunted the growth of my team. I had sabotaged them by punishing them for my feelings for Sara. It was hard to watch my family fall apart.

"Did Sara offer you a job?" I asked.

"No, I asked if she had an opening," Nicky replied. My chest tightened. I wondered where everything began to go so wrong.

"How much longer will you stay for?" I asked.

"Two weeks. It should give you time to at least have a recruit on the way," Nicky replied.

"Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for staying with me as long as you did," I replied . . . I was at a loss as to what to say to conceal my hurt.

"You taught me a lot," Nick said as he walked out of my office.

* * *

Nick had fulfilled his two week obligation to my lab. I watch him wait outside the doors with Catherine and Warrick. I remember this scene from when Greg left. Nick said he's been living out of a suitcase for three days. Sara arranged to have his personal items moved to his new apartment overlooking the bay. The three talk while waiting; avoiding uncomfortable good-byes. I can't bring myself to leave the confines of my office. I feel glued to my chair.

Just like last time, a shiny, black suburban pulls into the parking lot. It stops right in front of the three. Greg, Sara, and another male crawl out of the vehicle. Sara and Greg hug Nick. They greet Catherine and Warrick . . . they introduce their traveling companion. Sara hands Nick the keys to his government vehicle.

I stand up. I make the journey to the parking lot. The sun is creeping over the horizon. I need to say good-bye. I feel compelled to apologize to Nick . . . to Greg . . . to Sara. I know I have a lot to apologize for.

"If you're ever in Vegas, man . . .," I hear Warrick say to Nick.

"If you're ever in San Francisco," Nick replies smiling. Part of me wishes that this would be a harder decision for Nick. I know it is hard for Catherine and Warrick. They are the final two to stick with me. They have watched two people leave and do great things that Warrick and Catherine have a hard time imagining. Now, they are watching their friend leave . . . a fresh face that they have watched mature and grow since coming to Vegas. I cared for him like a son. It's agonizing to see him so happy about leaving the nest.

"Nick, good luck," I say as I walk through the crowd. I shake his hand. I can see the tears begin to form in his eyes, "You will do great things, but always remember where you came from."

The simple statement I have made seems to have a huge impact on Sara, Greg, and Nick. Nick hugs me. He says that he knows I will also be doing great things. I'm not sure if he even believes what he is saying.

Warrick, Catherine, and I stand in the parking lot. We watch Sara, Greg, and Evan load the last of Nick's personal items into the back of the Suburban. Nick finishes his good byes. They all pile into the vehicle. Nick is driving . . . they are deciding where to have breakfast before embarking on their journey 'home.' The conversation puts a fatal wound in Catherine's armor. She begins to cry . . . the tears roll down her face.

"Sara, Greg, Nicky . . . drive safe. I hope you make it home okay," I say as I wave to them. Something in Sara softens. I can see the tears in her eyes. I wonder if she can see the tears in my eyes. I have never felt lower in my entire life.


	3. Chapter 3

Five years have passed. I am still coordinating the night shift. Warrick and Catherine are still by my side. The other CSIs have come and gone. The lab has been in a state of flux since they left.

The seasons have come and gone. The holidays have passed uneventfully. Nick has sent cards on birthdays and Christmases. He has come back to Vegas twice. Once he came to present at a forensics conference. The second time he came to see Warrick and the casinos. He stopped by the lab. Nicky didn't look much different. His skin was slightly tanner. He looked happy. He said that he was happy. He was still working with Sara and Greg in San Francisco. He talked about how much he likes his job. I ask him if he ever thought of coming back. Nicky hesitates . . . he says he loves where he is right now.

I am happy to see him. I'm happy that he still remembers me. Sometimes, I wonder if Sara and Greg remember me. I miss them. I tell Nicky that I miss them. I ask if Sara and Greg are well. He says they are. He says Greg got married last year. Greg's wife is expecting a child. Nicky says Sara is well. He says that she is happy. She's seeing someone. They are very happy . . . they are planning a wedding. Nicky doesn't use names. I'm glad he doesn't. It makes it more anonymous . . . a little less hurtful. They have moved on with their lives. I wish I could move on with my life, but I miss them so much.

Today, I wait for a plane to land. The three that left us five years ago are coming back. They are chasing a serial murderer. The murders have roots in the Bay area, but he has relocated to Los Angeles and has settled in Las Vegas. They are coming to look at the evidence that I so diligently collected two weeks ago. The murder is taunting them. He leaves notes at the crime scene. They are wicked . . . the letters ask for Sara to catch him before another girl is dead.

"Grissom," Nicky says as I watch the three weary travelers leave the concourse with their luggage in hands.

"Welcome back. The evidence is at the lab," I say as I greet them. I'm trying hard to play down my excitement. I feel as though for a few days my lab might be complete.

"We should stop at the hotel first. Emily wants me to call her to let her know that the plane landed okay," Greg said yawning.

"Your wife?" I ask as they follow me to the parking garage.

"My wife. My daughter, Grace, has probably clocked out for the night," Greg replies. He sounds irritated that he needs to be here. It's obvious that he would rather be in San Francisco with his family. Sara is quiet. She looks just as stunning as the day she left. Her hair is a little longer. The sun has bleached it a little. Her skin is a golden brown. She looks beautiful and healthy. It's a far cry different from when she left.

"Nicky, you don't mind going to the hotel, do you? I want to call my mom. Make sure that everything at home is okay," Sara asks yawning.

"Sure," Nick replies smiling at her. I listen to them dance around the words. I neglect to notice that he is holding her hand. She smiles at him. Their gait is comfortable. The way they move together is graceful. I don't want to see this.

"We could do that," I replied, "It's good to see you."

"It's nice to be back," Sara replied without any conviction. I didn't even believe that she was saying.

"You look well," I comment. Sara seems sick of the pointless conversation. Nick opens the car door for her. Greg sits in the front with me. Nick rests a hand on her thigh. It's hard to watch. The way they look at each other . . . her facial expression softens when he looks at her. She rests her head on his shoulder. He whispers something in her ear . . . it makes her smile. I realize that Sara had been seeing someone . . . she had been seeing Nicky. I see the ring on her left hand. My heart breaks a little more. I feel old in their presence. I feel lonely in their presence. They have all moved on to something better . . . leaving me behind.

The drive to the hotel was silent. Greg showed me pictures of his wife and baby girl while we were waiting at a stop light. The woman was beautiful. Thin, blonde, smiling. Greg beamed when he talked about her. Emily was a pediatrician. His daughter was beautiful. Grace looked so much like her father. Greg had found so much in San Francisco. He was so grown up. He was no longer the goofy, science dork that I used to know, but that personality was forever embedded in my memories. I could understand why he didn't send cards, he didn't visit, and he didn't miss Vegas.

I helped Sara with her luggage. She smiled at me. Over five years, the anger seemed to have softened. There was no reason to be angry anymore. Sara apparently had the world at her feet.

"So you're married?" I asked awkwardly while Greg and Nick went to check in.

"For two years. I'm sorry we didn't invite you . . . I didn't want to hurt you anymore," Sara said with tears in her eyes.

"You and Nick?" I asked. I looked at the ground.

"Me and Nick. We have a daughter. She's only eight months old. Her name is Holly . . . Nick insisted on that name," Sara replied.

"I'm sure she is beautiful," I replied.

"She is. She's lucky she looks like her father," Sara replied with a nervous laugh, "I've always meant to apologize for how I left. I didn't mean to say those things."

"Sara, you did what was best for you. You've done great things in San Francisco," I said.

"Grissom, I never forgot where I came from," Sara said smiling. I knew what she meant. I was glad to have Sara back in Vegas, but I knew this city had stifled her before. I found the resolution that I needed. I got to see how much Sara had grown as a person.

It was still hard to see Nick kiss her. The way that he held her hand. Sara said that she told me about their family. Nick apologized to me. I told him that I was happy for them. I asked to see a picture of Holly. Nick smiled. He said that he had a wallet full. He called Holly his baby girl. He said that he was so proud of both of his girls. Sara softly whispered that she wouldn't mind trying for a boy . . . she whispered so softly that I almost didn't hear. Her intention was not for me to hear. Greg smiled. Greg said that Emily wanted another child. Emily's grand plan was to have five children. Greg laughed. He said that Emily was already starting to look at mini vans.

I felt so isolated from their conversation. I was ten years their senior, but I had no words of advice to offer them. I felt inadequate as a mentor. I felt inadequate as a man. I had none of what they had. I still live in the same townhouse. I go home in the morning and watch the discovery channel. I sleep alone in my bed. My only social contacts are with my coworkers.

For as glad as I am that they are home, part of me wishes that I could live with only the memories of the young CSIs that would do anything to solve a case. They were all innocent in their own way. Today, they have matured . . . grown up. I have remained unchanged.


	4. Chapter 4

We all sit in the break room sipping coffee. It almost seems like we have rewound time, but there are so many things that keep us grounded in today. Catherine looks at pictures of Holly and Grace. Nick and Sara's daughter had curly brown hair just like her mother. Holly's eyes were that of Nick's. They were so deep and introspective. Catherine asks Sara if she likes being a mother. Sara replies that it is the best job on Earth. Sara has grown so much. She isn't the emotional, if not obsessed, CSI that I mentor. Sara has become a stable, mature woman.

Warrick and Nick talk about work. Their conversation is so easy . . . like Nick had never left. Warrick talks about going to San Fran to meet Holly. I'm afraid to let Warrick go. I'm afraid that he might fall in love with the city as his colleagues had. I'm not sure if the bright lights would be enough to draw Warrick home.

Catherine says she barely recognizes Greg. He does look so different. He looks so grown up. His hair is neatly groomed. It no longer is composed of multiple hues of browns and blondes. Catherine says that she's proud of Greg . . . he's really come into himself. Greg said it's all his wife's fault. Catherine laughs and says that she would be honored to meet the woman that can handle him. Greg says Emily is a saint. Emily loves children, animals, and life. He says Emily has been a gift . . . a gift he still cannot believe is his. Catherine says that he's lucky.

I feel lost in the moment. I feel the tears spring to my eyes. I quickly excuse myself from the room and retreat to my office.

"It's hard to watch them grow up," Catherine says as she walks into my office . . . opening the door without knocking.

"I never thought they would all leave. I never expected them to be so happy," I replied.

"They have made quite the life for themselves. I'm proud of them. They have grown up so much," Catherine replied as she rested her hands on my shoulders. She gently began to knead the knots out of my shoulders.

"Sometimes I just wish they would come back occasionally . . . just to let us know that they are okay," I replied.

"Spoken like a father, Grissom," Catherine teased.

"I suppose so. Does that make us empty-nesters?" I asked.

"We still have Warrick. Sometimes, I don't think he'll ever leave," Catherine replied laughing . . . in turn making me laugh, "It's okay to still worry about them. It's okay to miss them. I know I do . . . I miss them a lot."

"Do you ever feel like you are stuck in reverse?" I asked.

"I feel like I'm not charging ahead like I did my first day in the lab. Part of growing old must be growing conservative," Catherine replied, "Face it . . . we aren't as young as they are. Lindsey reminds me of that every day."

"Did you know about their wedding?" I asked.

"Only Warrick did. Sara didn't want to hurt you. She left on really bad terms," Catherine replied, "I heard about the wedding after the fact . . . I didn't know about Holly. Grissom, she didn't do this to hurt you. Sara wanted to stop hurting you."

"It would have been nice to see the wedding . . . to see her and Nick," I replied.

"I know, but it wasn't the right time. The wounds are only beginning to heal," Catherine replied.

"So what do two empty-nesters do to stay sane?" I asked.

"Sex is supposed to get better once the kids leave the house," Catherine replied with a wink.

* * *

They left one week later. Sara and Nick promised to come visit . . . Greg said he'd call. I drove them to the airport. We all exchanged good byes. I watched the planes take off from the parking garage. I wondered what plane they were on. The tears flowed down my face. I waved at the one plane that I believed was theirs.

Our seven days together were refreshing. It was nice to walk into the lab and see Greg messing around with machines that I had no idea how to use. It was nice to see Sara and Nick trying to replicate blood spatter patterns. Everything felt at ease. The days flew by so quickly.

The next time I would see everyone together in one room would be at Jim Brass' funeral four years after our last time together. I called Nick to tell him that Jim was shot by a suspect that came back to the scene. He was shocked. Sara, Nick, and Greg sent flowers. I called a few hours later to let them know that Jim died on the operating room table. I asked if someone from San Francisco could come to Vegas to do an autopsy and collect some evidence. Sara sent her medical examiner and CSI four on the next flight to Vegas. Nick, Sara, and Greg came to Vegas three days later for the funeral.

Sara was pregnant . . . her once flat stomach was greatly distended. She looked beautiful. She glowed. Sara said that she was ready to enter her third trimester. She said that it was all downhill from that point on. Nick echoed that sentiment. Holly and Nick were excited to meet the baby. The baby was going to be the boy that he had been wishing for. Nick said that Holly wanted a baby brother. Sara said that Holly really wanted a doll that she could dress up and drag around.

Greg came with Emily. She was also heavily pregnant. This was going to be their third child. Emily teased Sara for not keeping up. Their daughters were at home with Emily's mother. Grace and Ellie were eagerly awaiting a new baby sister. Greg said that he lived in the estrogen capital of the world. He smiled the whole time he talked about his family. He said he was looking forward to the arrival of Lily. Emily said that she was looking forward to the arrival of their first minivan.

We spent the evening talking. Warrick go to feel Nick's son kick. Sara said she was used to how much attention her stomach was getting. Sara said that their son better be a soccer player or a football player. Both Nick and Warrick said that they wanted him to be a football player. Sara let me feel her son kick her stomach. Emily and Sara tossed around names; Warrick and Nick vetoed most of the names. Greg went out to get ice cream for the girls. Emily kissed his wedding band . . . said that she would be waiting. He returned with green ice cream for Emily and chocolate for Sara. Nick said Sara ate disgusting food. Sara recounted tails of Nick not eating his daughter's birthday cake. Last year, Sara and Holly put a birthday candle in his steak. I laughed so hard that I almost fell over.

I watched another plane leave. This time Sara and Nick asked us to come to San Francisco to meet their family in a few months. Nick said that he and Sara would be honored if Warrick and I could be god-father's to his son. Their son was born four months later . . . they named him Conner. Warrick, Catherine, and I were there for the baptismal. I got to meet Holly . . . she did have an uncanny likeness to Holly Gribbs. Holly had some serious attitude . . . she was a darling, determined girl . . . just like her mother. Catherine and I watched Holly, Grace, Ellie, and Lily while the 'kids' went out to lunch. I had never held a baby in my adult life. I never knew how amazing it was. Warrick, Catherine, and I left San Francisco wishing that we could go back soon.

Catherine was right about embracing the time spent with 'the kids.' Catherine was also right about the sex only getting better.

FIN


End file.
